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Thursday, June 28, 2012


When the clouds were crying,
The singers leaped on the stage,
Soprano, Alto, Bass, Tenor, Barito,
All blends to make a portion
Of unharmonically music
Magically drew me to the

He woke up before the sun,
Water were sprinkled,
On the soothing  face,
On hands, right and left,
On the wrinkled forehead,
On earlobes, right and left,
On the seasoned feet , right and left,
And the lullaby start...
In  the name of Allah, the most gracious God

 (Childhood at Arwah Atok's home)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Sumpahan Di Gedung Ilmu

Sumpahan penyakit di gedung ilmu,

Kereta berkawad di lebuh raya
Bas beratur kemas
Keretapi tertib menelusuri bandar kecil
Kampus aman damai,

Manusia kalut,
Hati seolah berlari meninggalkan tuan,
Otak menggelegak,
Jiwa takut akan kematian,
Ahli fikir, mahasiswa jadi lumpuh.

(Memori H1N1, 2009, UPSI)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Air kekwa

Ku rindu
hirupan air kekwa,
buatan abang gerai,
di tepi jalan
bila petang,
bila hati panas,
bila kepala mula berkabus.

(Memori IPSAH, Sg Petani, 2011)


Iced drinks,hot rice, cold rain.

1 iced lime
2 iced tea
3 nasi kukus.
3 heads popping from the coffee table
The rain would wash away the problems.
They believe.
The problems would end by May.
They believe.
They would graduate this year.
They believe.
Thats the power of iced drink, hot rice,
opinions of 2 heads that weren't that straight as well,
In a cold raining night.

Graduated, 2011. At last.

(Memory of IPSAH and Nasi Kukus Syeikh, 2011)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Why do you choose to be a Muslim?

" So, why do you choose to be a Muslim?"

It was a simple question,
asked by her,
who I barely know in  the 3 hours ferry,
hanky panky ride to home,

Kaison, Daiso, Shopping
and all kind of Capitalism, Comsumerism and Hedonism ideas flow freely in my brain.

I can't answer her,
on that time.
It was not a provoking question,
I guess.
But it sends me a spark,

"Why do I choose to be a Muslim"
I am born to be one.
Something that I have inherited from my family.
What kind of Muslim am I?
Am I the one who simply
following the flow?

The question is simple enough
to start a mechanism of Islamism.
At least in myself.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


"Apa keistimewaan salji?"
Tanyaku pada ibu, abang dan orang lain.
"Best. Sejuk"

Aku tertanya-tanya, kalau salji itu adalah ais lembut ,
seperti di dalam peti sejuk,
kenapa kita begitu taksub dengan salji.

Kalau rakyat Malaysia buat ucapan Raya di Utusan, gambar dengan salji,
Kalau kita pergi negara orang puteh, kita bergambar dengan salji,
Kita bergambar dengan salji buatan,
Kita buat gambar kita main salji sebagai profil picture.
Mungkin kita abadikan kenangan dengan salji.
Kalau dapat belajar luar negara, mesti orang cakap
"Bestnya main salji".

Teringat pernah sekali, lecturer cakap
"Snow is really not a good thing. Do you know how did we sufer, trudging through the snow to get into the campus,
yes, we were excited, but we suffer all the time"

Kadang-kadang kita hanya terlalu taksub dengan benda yang kita belum pernah lihat.


It was a cloudy meeting,
with a cloudy conversation,
I don't know on what and why do we talked on that night.

It was a cloudy issue,
of politics,

And the feeling that emerge,
it's cloudy too.
The conversation should end with a coffee.

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Art of Doing Nothing.

I have just came out from the hospital. I was admitted for Pneumonia (early stage) and couldn't leave the bed for 6 days. Basically I can't do anything, except for taking my medicine, solat, struggling to go to the loo (since the IV drip was always on). My vein was swelling, (in fact, it is still swelling). My body doesn't react well with the injection. The nurse kept telling me that "Urat kau ndak nampak, susah mau cucuk ni". So total jarum masuk badan ialah 20 batang, dan 5 kali tukar jarum.

My mum took a flight to Labuan on Monday. She didn't tell me that she's coming. Before that, I drove myseld to the Hospital and manage to come back to take several things. I brought some books too.

While I was admitted, my mind couldn't stop wandering. I kept thinking about my works, about what would happen at the school, the students' education, PBS, syllabus bla bla bla. I was agitated with the idea "WORK". At the end, I realised that I couldn't do anything. I was disconnected with the outside world. I didn't online for a week.

Well, I told myself that this is probably a bless from God. This is the real holiday. I am given 5 days to do nothing. I just need my medication, I was well-fed by the hospital, I didn't even have to do my laundry. I utilised the time given to reflect about my life, to write my journal (of course with the injection, my handwriting was sloppy), I manage to finish reading 2 books and spend my time talking to my mum.

I am trying to convince myself that it's not that bad for being sick

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Hijab, Hoojab, Tudung, or whatever names you called it.

Yes, I admit it. I used to be ignorant. I didn't care about my aurat. I didn't wear tudung. And not to wear tudung is common from where I come from. But, it doesn't indicate that the society is ignorant and it's up to the women on what they choose to wear.

So how does it get started? Most of my classmates while I was in maktab and university mates wear tudung, and some even wear tudung labuh. Yes, I could feel that how some people didn't treat me well when they see a muslimah being a free hair, and yerp, I was stubborn. But I have this friend, who I think reflect the real personality of being a good muslimah. Yes, she's soft, well-mannered, but at the same time she shows us that you can't fool her.

So at last, I decided to 'berhijrah'. I wear tudung bawal. Selempang kiri kanan, letak brooch. And sometimes I opened my tudung while I was going out. Then, the tudung sarung was in trend. So wore that, but I realise that's not my style.  And some of the tudung is not a perfect hijab. Till one day, I saw a black pashmina and bought it. The pashmina is long and big. It's big enough to be tudung labuh. And I asked myself. "Why not? Why not now? Why can't I wear perfect Hijab?" So I decided to wear tudung before I came back to Kota Kinabalu.

My family startled when they saw me at the first time. My sister-in-law asked me "Ella pakai tudung sudah?"
my cousin asked me "Sejak bila kau pakai tudung ni?", my bestfriend asked me "Kau betul-betul kah sudah pakai tudung ni?", friends asked me "uina..lain sudah kau?" "Ko ndak panas kah pakai begitu?" but my mum said "Baguslah pakai tudung, aurat kita terjaga".

I try to change bit by bit. And I could feel how the society changed towards me, even from the non Muslim. Apart of being in multi-cultural and multi- religious family, I think all of my family and friends respect who I am. Sometimes they even ask "Ella, kau mau pergi sembahyang kan?". And there were several times, when I do my shopping with trolleys, in the small and crowded path within shelves, men will give me space and way to go first while they were standing aside. How beautiful it is when people see you differently, in a good way of course. And even some of my non Muslim friend would tell me whether certain things is suitable for a Muslimah or not. For example, when we talked about facial products or spa. And yes, I  didn't deny it that there would be "Godaan-godaan" here and there. For example,it happens when I saw a blouse which is not suitable for a person who wear hijab, or how sometimes I saw women's beautiful hair.

My advice to the muslimah is, don't force yourself to do 360 degree changes.Try bits by bits. And sometimes, you are going to be frustated.  You have to understand why Allah asked us  to cover our aurat. And from your understanding, try to reflect on how the society thinking about aurat. Do your reading (I love Owh So Muslim and I luv Islam). Try to read on other's experience and the most important thing is to pray to Allah, so that He would open your heart to cover your aurat.

I am writing this not to show how proud am I on my changes. This post is dedicated to several friends, some of them had changed to a better muslimah, some is still searching for the 'Nur'. They keep asking me "How ella? How do u change?"...May Allah bless you <3

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


Aku cuba lari, tapi gagal. Larianku terhenti kerana seolah-olah takdir mengejar aku. Kalau betul dia bukan untukku, ku memohon kepada Yang Esa, jauhkan dia dariku, kerana hambaMu ini tidak mampu menanggung perasaan ini. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Langsir Kreatif dan Unik

Ketika sedang mencari idea untuk menghias flat aku, jumpa satu web page ini. Banyak langsir menarik dan kreatif dipaparkan .
P/s I don't own any of these pictures and they are basically taken from the web page. Don't sue me. I am not rich. Hehehe :P

Klu ada peta train Malaysia macam ni pun ok...

Idea untuk mengelak pencuri. Barangkali.


Boleh print gambar sendiri atas langsir. Tapi lagi sesuai jika anda
 cantik  mcm Selena Gomez (What a dry joke)

Praktikal kepada org yang malas nak cari 'Tassel'. (Tassel tu pengikat langsir)

Ala-ala nampak tak nampak. Motip?

Langsir ini tak keluarkan bunyi macam Piano

Berguna kepada orang yang ada haiwan peliharaan kecuali ikan.

Sesuai untuk pelajar jurusan Kimia ataupun yang baru nak amek SPM


Ala-ala kod rahsia 

What I've been doing with my life?

To be honest... what could I tell you on what am I thinking of my life now is like this...

I have been living in a fog since April 2011. After graduating, I didn't know what would happen. 8 months of unemployment and I received sugar-coated promises. Basically, I was doing NOTHING. Life weren't progressing and my eczema and asthma became worst. It seemed that I have fallen down thousand times through this year. Most of my university mates are not yet posted. Our hopes were crushed, I was very frustated. Hope was a walking dream and it seemed that it tend to run away from me.

Finally, I got posted in Sekolah Berasrama Penuh in January. And things seemed to move too fast. Works were too hard and I did not get my salary for three months since I am a new worker, and they had to process the form.

Everything is chaotic. I can't handle my life. My eczema is still there. Sometimes I wonder why do I think of being a teacher at the first place. The truth is ugly. I can't see what happened in future. I can't lead my life. I start to compare my teaching profession with my other friends who receive much better salary.

Till recently, I decided to buy a car. My first property ever. I received my salary. And suddenly I am aware that my life is full with responsibilities. It's May, and i don't have my new year resolution and I was not interested to have one because I lost my hope at the end of 2011. For real. For the first time, I was demotivated .

Well, I talked bad things about falling down. How bad the feeling was. But, as Oprah said "So go ahead. Fall down. The world look different from the ground". I feel that I should forgive myself for not being perfect. I shall forfive myself for everything wrong that had happened.

Now, I should stand on my own feet. I should know how to manage my life. I don't wan't to feel bad anymore. So, here I am, presentingmy Not-So-New-Year life resolution..

Get a ride and improve my driving skill.

Mine is not TRD

Encik Dolphin Puteh (the name that I have given the car) is here. Memang terketa-ketar awal driving. But,    I should start to stand up for myself. I should be brave. No one would help me.

To save at least RM *600 from May 2012 to May 2013

Oh no! I save my muah-ney in the bank. Of Course!

The aim is to save 25 % of my income every month. But, I have to be realistic. I have to set up my home.

To lost 15kgs of my weight.

I know it's a hideous picture

I HAVE TO LOST MY WEIGHT. Current plan is HERBALIFE. Gonna write another part of my weigh lost journey.

To read at least 1 book per month

Heaven of books, perhaps?

Keep on moving eventhough it would be 3 pages a day.

To exercise 3 times per week

I am joining ZUMBA in UMSKAL. Hopefullt it wouldn't be a disaster.

To khatam Al-Quran

At least 1 page after Maghrib. Insha Allah

Going to Australia by 2013

I am selected as Guru Pengantarabangsaan, and there is no way to run.